pale blue eyes, cry baby diamonds

dear diary, let me present you with the short version of recent happenings, once upon a dream: welcome to the honeydew, madame dragonfly, the holy sacrifice of your royal highness come here my unborn child, swallow my hips and follow my decrepit soul into the darker waters of reptile nature. lingering in limbo, the shallow, vulgar and indulgent. a thousand worlds built on the sleepwalking shoulders of my shotgun lovers, malevolent creatures with chests like diamonds, petals in the rain, fair with hazy memories, mountain within mountain.

#1: she is dancing in the middle of an empty classroom, sweeping over demolished parchment with hands like forests, fawning chalk kissing starving fingertips. the chamber maid with eyes like a serpent pale wrists orbiting her deceitful head, gloomy hair lightly caressed by the breeze of solitude, turning to me with sudden fire, exposing fangs dripping with venom, solemnly bidding her hand wispily whispering sway

#2 preludum ante massam and hannibal ante portas: everything i have ever loved was lost and found in abandoned places cracks in the plastering, strikes of light through concrete walls fundamental truths hidden in forgotten folklore, haunting dreams of ferocious valkyries JUST KEEP CALM, MY STICKY SWEET, JUST STAY FLOATING.

#3 i am death, the river styx, the answer to every riddle: "known by both masculine and feminine names, and burns up without rain; originates from a man and goes into a man, no one has been able to catch it." neurotoxin flowing over across the page of our past, seeping through thick slices of dust he’s been half blind since the day it all began, the persistent sun scratching his retina like a broken record, quivering under the faded persian rug covering the roof of his statue of a mother. skin like a feather, heart like a rock.

#4 curvaceous lips, the undistinguishable shade of your iris, my shadow carried in a diamond locket in the abyssal nape of your neck. “i bought you these colourless roses you know how seeing past things can sometimes make you feel important i just want you to feel important" you didn’t let yourself take time, you expanded in the sky until every limb transformed into haphazard clusters of materia entire galaxies supernovas, since the day you left i’ve been searching the stars for your voice, gazing through the strongest of telescopes.

our cries mute and cold, the morning came crashing down upon us like

flying daggers, an electrocution.

speed of light in a vacuum, in any given medium

dear diary, outside my sphere of obsidian tears pitch black thunder, a pack of werewolves wailing to the drum of the glimmering downpour binocular vision through damp leaves, her majesty of trees: you. mathew, theo, isabel, the seductive breath of opium. - but he was never inside of you? - he has always been inside of me. for you are the children of lingering nightmares latent desires and hummingbirds, missiles of destruction in a crystalline vase.

you, through endless simplification: a monsoon without mercy, the plunging waterfall of yesterday hippie crystals, achromatic prisms, diamonds like eyes, eyes like fire vive la décadence. yours truly, candy darling, creamy summer bloom a bending reflection, translucent, yet again.

how can you cure yourself when every part is infected name the thing able to heal the hole torn by a loved one lost he left her hanging by the snowflakes or standing among in a flock of sleeping flamingos, a myriad of indistinguishable faces. when i tell you - my love equals beaks times the thought of freedom squared you vapourise, turn into the ocean floor, the shattered walls of my castle in the sky your sharpened hands charging through secrets like lightning.

rainbow raven, rainbow river

dear diary, i apologise. i haven’t been able to write for a while, i got desperate lost control tried to cut myself open with a kitchen knife just to get an idea of what is moving around inside and i set my intestines on fire for the ultimate sacrifice. isn't it striking, how every action is ultimately completely symmetrical.

nightfall leaves me craving the most unfathomable things, pouring rose water over pagan faces simply to keep them in place, crawling around in my own dirt, creeping at the feet of a sullen master. i’ve told you once before, your highness, my princess prostitute mankind upsets me more than anything. so bow, children of the rainbow the judge is ready for our crucifixion

psychotic schoolgirls licking on fentanyl plasters dried up lollipops pornographic novels standing in line like kinky toy soldiers

by the windowsill, loudly claiming an entire planet, a realm of their own

the ringleader: oh boy, it's just another one of them stagefrights glaciated in time right neon lights a momentum made in taiwan beautiful rows of riches, don't you see there is no war no box, a universe ever changing i throw myself up. crashing down

repeat.

i am the rain an exploding ejaculation crimson skies internal bleeding heart burn stomach ache a disease that will never go away. longing for a dismal future any future painting him dancing in the foreground i would do anything for the saddest mind alive, our shaved heads like lifeboats white frocks sterile scalpels minimalistic clean cut veins bursting open like bedroom doors, LE GRAND FINALE, inject his poison, forever yours.

and i want to download every single picture of you, dress up like a commander in chief captain of the sea a furious shadow play waggling tail and bunny ears, i want to cover my body in the blurry edges of your ghost, paint the walls of the parliament in colour no #1 the slight tint of your neck someone once told me

you always speak in riddles you are fading away i could never begin to understand like a frozen fire a room covered in broken mirrors a black hole wishing well put your ear to my chest listen to a thousand songs the restless chorous

i am not the one wrap your troubles in dreams

take a walk down the baseline

his brittle echo drenched in acid.

dear diary
why is it so daunting, walking amongst people who
can see you


1. i guess you could say that i have gone into hiding again, that i react
to emotions like a painting, noting nothing but colours.
2. the phone is constantly ringing, it is such vicious sound.
3. i like to think of myself as a wounded general in a hollywood tragedy,
trapped in a bunker with nuclear bombs hanging in thin air, clusters of perfectly
ripe grapes, a zeppelin lingering in the smoke screens above
4. blockbuster the sequel, for some foggy reason the underground is empty,
the bomb did not detonate, i will not ask were everybody has gone
their voices can be seen flying like meteors between the s p a c e s
5. admittedly, it is kind of thrilling knowing that soon this, whatever we take it for
will be hiroshima.
6. with a calm longing for that magical moment
i stand wrapped in velvet curtains, a feather boa and a cowboy hat
7. i have not been touched for decades and i think i might be carrying a gun
someone shouting a sequence of numbers.


everything began to count
we were born on that exact moment.

birdbath, blow a wish

dear diary,

imagine this: snakes slithering through thin air,

casually shooting poison from their fangs, you never prayed for the lives of others

or imagine stumbling down the street, drunk, numb, eyes on the oily pavement

the distant sounds of cars screeching by, your mouth full of disappointment,

a black cat transforming into a pumpkin.

or picture yourself floating around in a sea of fire, your body turning into wax,

your liquid skin gradually becoming solid, a limousine with white toned windows.

some years later in a church nearby the village where we all grew up

a morning wake, the priest putting a flame to your eyes, singing about glory

a fuzzy little animal clawing a cavity in your burning stomach, the sweetest of music.

kurt cobain blew his brains out, courtney love keeps digging his grave.

i wish you nothing but the best, a state of trance

swallow your pills and move along, my sullen blossom

how destruction fucked destiny and created something completely different

movies in made up languages are as close to reality I will personally ever get.

dear diary,

these are the quiet days

nothing moves, a decade ago i watched the wind walk run away with all my money and

how could i ever leave the house, if nobody is home, if i am not there,

your abandoned voice echoing my

footsteps

"only from the moment you start writing

those ridiculous stories on dried up flakes of skin,

they will believe you."

i lie stretched across the floor, counting symptoms,
touching all four walls with the tip of my tongue, one toe in every corner.
maybe there is an equation for this disease,

the pounding music, how the nauseating beat of a lung temporarily bringing
order to the universe.

i am a rattling skeleton, a drowning whale, a blank sheet of paper

i will not speak to you, i have got nothing to say,

you only wear a crown when the sky is to be trusted.

fragments of time, angeldust fairydust candyfloss cocaine,

i could dance for centuries.

a matter of blank spaces

dear diary,

i collect minimal techno and party invitations.

i wish i could stop talking about sleep but i'm afraid being awake is too daunting

last night i had this dream again. the dream.

a universe of its own, both static and ever changing

me, twirling around like a lost character in a computer game, a lucid marionette

sharks are such beautiful beasts don't you think and this time i must have been riding one

and once again i lost track of the enormous white horses somewhere along the way, 

they are the kindest people you will ever meet,

i was sliding faster and faster around in what could only be described as a massive maze hidden in a giant replica of westminster cathedral,

signs of danger everywhere, a shruken river thames.

have you ever had to witness a bobsleigh competition

faster killershark faster and from time to time i appeared invisible, it was unbelievably calming

grown up children in bright green school uniforms and their animated teachers telling them off "this is the river, do not ever go in", but they couldn't possibly see me

emerald blazers, inhabiting every corner of my mind, until i could see my fingernails again

a naked woman covered in oil, cold water made of sand

the body is such an uninteresting vessle, your genitals are babies unborn.

ideas shining bright in diamond light.

medications, proud caretakers of this hibernating soul.

do not ever go in. i make a living out of kiwi flavoured lemonade, sour breathing, i always smell of alcohol,

you're scented like softcore porn, a flickering candle.

dear diary,

of dreams i remember nothing, the sky is not the limit when the universe is ever expanding

my favorite colour is the rainbow, fire is dripping from the dry corners of your mouth

the sun is a raging waterfall, summer had almost arrived when we went under cover

i was in love with the saddest boy on earth, he said

for all the children lost, i will never stop crying

and where i came from they all spoke of salvation but no one ever made a move and the

boy who wouldn't stop crying didn't have a worry in the world, he always started running

as i began begging for him to see his shadow turning against the tempest and so we stole a boat and sailed through frozen waters, he said my blank eyes, they see nothing without pupils and if we ever have to 

stop, i shall pick you like a flower and dry your petals between worn out bedsheets, remember 

my sodomised virgin mother never broke a single wave and your face will start to rot, 

falling off in heavy chunks, the piercing song of a flightless bird,

baring bones like glaciers in infinite sadness.